Love poem : Swati Kumari
Chod kar us mod par tumko dard hua hame,
jis mod par tum Jana chahte thechahate na the uss tarah se tum hame,
jis tarah se hum tumhe chahte the
Chahane main der tumne ki
hum hath badhaye jate the,
uss mod par bhi kai baar aaye
jis oor tum aate jaate the
Jahan dekh kar undekha
tum hame kiye jate the,
ann kahe sawalo ke rahasya mein
hum jiye jate the
Meri narazgi ab itni hai
ki bayan bhi nahi hoti,
tumhare sath ki tasveer itni maili hai
ki dhundhli nahi hoti
Kyun bataun tumhe
ki aaj bhi sab yaad hai,
kyu jataun ki aaj bhi
tum mai wahi baat hai
Tab main aur ab main bahut
antar ho gaya hai,
jaise wo saal kahi
choomantar ho gaya hai
Badd aayi hu us mod se
agle mod pe,
jahan kathnayiaa kai hai
har chor pe
Mujhse ye baar baar na pooch mera haal kaisa hai,
ek kalakar apni aankhein bina jaisa hai.
Hey! This is a beautiful poem. Representing some kind of 'ek tarfaa pyaar' or when you have a crush on someone and also showing, ki Koi pyaar karne ka naatak karta hai lekin aakhri mein kar nahi paata or chor kar chale jaata hai bina kisi safaai ke.
ReplyDeleteGood work Swati.
Thank you soo much Devyani.
ReplyDeleteaap bilkul sahi samjhe, aur baat jaane tak rehti toh bhi bardash ho jati pr baar baar mudd kr aapka khyal puchna jyada taklif deta h
pr mujhe khushi h ki aap woh samjh gye jo mai bolna chah rhi thi.
thank you again.
'ann kahe sawalo ke rahasya mein
ReplyDeletehum jiye jate the"
I found these lines absolutely beautiful. The questions which often arise remain unanswered and their mystery is what gets us very uneasy. In this poem, you live in the discomfort and uneasiness and that is portrayed in a very expressive manner where I can relate to it, and understand it at an intrinsic level.
A suggestion for you would be-
Describe a 'kalakaar' in your poem because not every kalakaar requires sight. To put it otherwise, I did understand how you might be talking about an artist with the observation power, and a power to decipher the world into his/her art. However, I suggest that you think about a different metaphor, or elaborate this couplet a little to make sure of your connotation.
Lovely work!
I quite agree with your suggestion Devyani. To add to it, Swati you could transform the metaphor to talk about the Kalakar without their art/muse/etc, and that might make your metaphor clearer.
DeleteHi Swati
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your poem. It conveys the tussle of holding on and letting go of past loves very beautifully.
"tumhare sath ki tasveer itni maili hai
ki dhundhli nahi hoti"
These are my favourite lines in the poem, they paint a very vivid image, one that'll resonate differently with each reader.
I would like to leave you with a small suggestion. The last couplet, I feel, could also be a 4-line verse like the rest of the poem. It stands out a little, leaving the reader confused as to why the sudden change in form was brought about. You can look into it if you'd like.