मेरी गज़ल
शोर इस शहर का अब चुभने लगा
तेरा ही नाम हवा में गूज़ने लगा दिल की आहटें क्यों तू दबाने लगा
दास्ताँ, चंद शब्दों मे तू छूपाने लगा
छू लेने दे मुझे उस हवा को
जिसे तू अपनी साँसों मे बसाने लगा
चाँद अब इस चहरे को देखता नहीं
लगता है वह भी दाग छूपाने लगा
तेरे किस्से मेरे भी बन रहे है
मैं भी अधरों से इनहे बचाने लगा
प्रीति की रीती से हम चलने लगे
तू शहरी दरवाजों में ताले लगवाने लगा.
-Preeti
Hello Preeti!
ReplyDeleteWonderful Matla! आप शेर कहने के बहुत नज़दीक पहुँच गई हैं, ज़रा सी कसर रह गई। The Matla was good, and followed a meter in both the lines, and was a "sher" too.
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!
Well crafted radif and kafiya. However did not understand some meaning of the words. Felt the theme of your ghazal was about god or spirituality. If it is something else, please tell.
ReplyDeleteIt's Qafiya क़ाफ़िया not kafiya काफ़िया
DeleteOk
DeleteHey Preeti! Wonderful ghazal. I like the matla so much. Indeed the presence of one beloved by us can change the meaning that our surroundings hold for us. The third sher conveys the speaker's desire to be one with his/her beloved as breath is with one's body so well. I would like to make one suggestion- I think that the metaphor of the moon as an insecure entity which despite its beauty desperately wants to conceal its flaws has been used in two shers (4 and 6). Repetition of ideas, even of great ideas, often undermines their uniqueness in the reader's mind. If this makes sense, you might want to consider doing away with one of the shers. I believe that the idea was expressed more sharply in sher 4, and hopefully you will retain it. A beautiful poem this one was.
ReplyDeleteHey it was me Soumya who posted the comment. Sorry, I accidentally used an incorrect id.
DeleteThank You for your suggestions ! When I read it again, I felt the same about recurring metaphor of the moon. I shall change it.
DeleteLoved this line: दास्ताँ, चंद शब्दों मे तू छूपाने लगा. Loved the clarity in thought and simplicity of your ghazal. Although I did feel some ideas are repeated. Each of your couplets can stand by itself to narrate a story, thought - which is wonderful. The last line of your ghazal is a very powerful one. Locks signify a shutting down, closing up of oneself. Why did you use the word 'शहरी'? If you could share what that couplet means to you, would be great!
ReplyDeleteThank You,Jasmine for reading!
DeleteThe first sher begins with the image of unbearable city noise. शहरी In the first sher projects the image of a city like setting; however, it is ambiguous depends on reader's interpretation. As city is a site where one experiences alienation, distance, complexity of life so these emotions of strain, distance, and complexity are also present in their relationship. But the desire to be with the beloved; and keep their loveful bond alive it was necessary to close the doors of the city( or part of their mind, thoughts) from which energy of separation is entering into their life.
Hope, I was able to explain well!