Ghazal: Pallavi Verma


Morning alarm bangs her brains forever
This lazy winter sleep sustains forever.

Withering unsold flowers, sweaty hands
His innocent smile remains forever. Untied laces made him fall that day
His memories are the stains forever.
 
Palm-sized sweater, packed and stored
Her baby’s memories it contains forever.

Old age has knocked the door
Now her knee joint pains forever.

Not everything can be muted, Pallavi
A voice in the head remains forever.

Comments

  1. Hello Pallavi!
    Congratulations!
    Ostensibly your Ghazal is easy, but you've deployed fantastic, intellectually stimulating ideas.
    .
    A core theme or idea by means of the general setting and images used is running in the entire Ghazal (as the case with Kanika's Ghazal 'in Jaipur). There're two types of Ghazals: A--, couplets one after the other with no apparent connection; and B-- An idea or a thought gets in the piece and develops along in the Ghazal, especially ones having proper refrains (such as 'In Jaipur', these are called 'musalsal Ghazals" '

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    Replies
    1. Hello Pallavi!
      Actually, I dozed off while writing, hence couldn't finish my take on your Ghazal. So resuming from where I left, that it's a musalsal Ghazal, and secondly you've wonderfully composed "shers" of vast trajectory--
      Wonderful Matla to begin with, "sleep sustains", brilliant!
      Untied laces, memories are stains: first line no longer remains literal, the sher has gone far beyond what's been said, vah vah vah!
      Reversing this is your third couplet: the object becomes memory, whereas in the 2nd one it was shoelace which suggested and pointed towards an amnesic situation. However, there's a gender change in this couplet, constant changing of trajectory. Acha hai!
      4th one is also wonderful!
      5th one too!
      Maqta: what a brilliant use of your name, what amazing effect does 'Pallavi' gives to the sher, मज़ा आ गया!


      Now, you've made a syllabic meter, on an average of 10 syllables (neither iambic pentameter [one unstressed one stressed], nor the other one [one stressed one unstressed). "Old age has knoked the door": the shortest line, only six syllables.


      I'd say that you've brilliantly composed couplets: a Ghazal which does not force itself with heavy ideas upon the reader, yet so much of depth; using nature to equate human life and existence, and, as I said, so many directions open, Hearty congratulations! आपने भी शेर कहे हैं!
      However, this can be blessing in disguise for you: work on the piece, and try to keep the lines on 10 syllables each, or max 11. OK?
      Very Good!
      Cheers!
      Jesus Loves You!

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  2. Well but i think narration of the poem may he more opened up. Thought of the poem is very nicely stored where you didn't let it go into some other direction. See if the rhythm and narration could be made more wide. Otherwise, liked your poem.

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  3. Hi Pallavi! I really enjoyed how each couplet addresses something different. It all seems connected in some way, but the independent nature of the couplets is fresh and exciting. The first couplet addresses something trivial, the difficulty in waking up on cold mornings. Then it goes on to address other, more pertinent, pressing concerns. We don't know who these individual people are, but the small details you provide provoked my imagination. In the third couplet, the second line - "His memories are the stains forever." I didn't quite understand the meaning!?

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