City poem - Rohini Sharma
मैं छोड़ आई हूं दिल अपना,
उन वृंदावन की गलियों में,
कान्हा जहां रचाते थे रास,
बीच कईं जिन गोपियों में।
जब राधा रूठ जाती थी,
वो जाता था बरसाने में,
रख देता था कान्हा जान भी अपनी,
उस राधा को मनाने में।
कान्हा का प्यार बस,
एक राधा ही समझती थी,
देख उसका रुप वो मोहन सा,
खुद ही मान जाया करती थीं।
एक ही थे, वो राधा कान्हा
भले अलग थे जिस्म दो
प्रेम अपार था दोनो में,
साथ रहे ना चाहे वो।
फिर परिस्तिथियां बदली, समय बदला
होने लगा हृदय भी सहमा,
आना पड़ा वापस अपने शहर,
लेकर संग दुख का पहर।
फिर परिस्तिथियां बदली, समय बदला
होने लगा हृदय भी सहमा,
आना पड़ा वापस अपने शहर,
लेकर संग दुख का पहर।
छोड़ आई हूं दिल अपना,
उन वृंदावन की गलियों में।
Hi Rohini! Your poem is beautiful as well as moving. I'm certain that the city holds a special place in your heart. The idea that separation cannot efface our affection for something/someone is evident by virtue of the parallel you draw between Krishna's love for Radha and your love for Vrindavan. I have one suggestion- give us more details, for instance, tell us why the poet persona had to be separated from what I'm assuming is her hometown, in what ways is the cause for separation similar to/different from Krishna's, etc. If you flesh out the narrative constituting the poem, we would be better equipped to understand the significance of its connection with the story of Krishna and Radha. This would add layers of complexity to your idea and also render our experience of reading richer. Great work, nevertheless.
ReplyDeleteHello Rohini!
ReplyDeleteThis beautiful!
I agree with Soumya!
The way you began and ended the poem with 'दिल छोड़ आई उन वृंदावन की गलियों में', it is shaping as a Geet.
I appreciate the idea of the poem, wonderful!
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!
First, Thank you so much for giving such a wonderful and important suggestion!!! Second, it is a kind of opportunity for me when I have got the advice I truly follow and learn a lot from them. And now I have made changes a little bit in my poem as per both of your suggestion. Thank you so much!!!!:-) :-) :-)
ReplyDeleteThe first and last two lines are making a relationship about your love for the city beautifully - main chor aayi hun dil apna un vrindavan ki galiyon mein.
ReplyDeleteThis also rhymes like a song and the relationship of kanha and radha is summing up your thoughts about the city.
Although I'm a little confused about the line - beech gai un galiyon mein.
Great work.