Political poem - Rohini Sharma
देश का दुश्मन वही नही होता है
जो सीमाओं पर हमला करता है
जो आतंक फैलाता है, स्मगिलिग करता है।
देश का दुश्मन वह भी होता है
जो विकास की फाईलें लटकाता है।
विकास के नाम पर गावों को उजाड़ता है
दवाओ के अभाव में बच्चों को मारता है।
शिक्षा-स्वास्थ्य के मौलिक हक को,
व्यापार बनाता है।
युवाओ के हाथो से काम छिनता है
देशवासियों के जाति- धर्म के शब्द बीनता हैं।
और उनको ही बँटवारे की राह
पर लाकर खड़ा कर देता है।
और उनको ही बँटवारे की राह
पर लाकर खड़ा कर देता है।
Hllo Rohini!
ReplyDeleteTo my mind, this is like a blueprint, it is yet to come as a full-fledged poem. I know one is required to come up with something on the blog, but keep working on this piece, srely it'll come as a full-fledged piece.
इश्क़ ने 'ग़ालिब' निकम्मा कर दिा
वरना हम भी आदमी थे काम थे
~~मिरज़ा ग़ालिब
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!
Okay as per your suggestion I will work on this piece again and try to bring something new within it through the new line.
DeleteHi Rohini!
ReplyDeleteThis poem speaks bluntly about the truth of our Political system.
One can simply relate to each and every line.
I really like the opening lines- देश का दुश्मन वही नही होता है
जो सीमाओं पर हमला करता है (I also linked it to the recent attack on Pulwama)
I agree to Shubham, you can still work on this piece more intensely.
Yes, I can work out at the end of the poem. I was a little confused when I ended it. I thought it (the last line ) will work out for the poem. But as you all said I will do a rewrite again.
DeleteHi Rohini... I like you have put across so many thoughts about our political system in one poem. However, I feel like the ending is a little abrupt. That could just be me though. Maybe a stronger end to the poem might make it seem complete.
ReplyDeleteYeah sure. I will work out on the last line of the poem. Even I thought it needs something to end up as a complete poem.
ReplyDeleteHii,
ReplyDeleteOur friends have already suggested some precious advices. I will suggest you to use some striking metaphors and those punch lines and you can also work on rhythm as you are using kind of Radio in the end of all lines. Would love to see the reworking piece.