Villanelle: Rubina
Chowkidaar
Main phir
chillai 'bachao bachao'
Ghar mein ghus
aaya chor hai
Chowkidaar bhai
jaldi aao
Kehta hai jan
ko dhan dega bhao
Par sab
apni jeb mein daale hai
Main phir chillai
‘bhagao bhagao’
Bhuk se mar
raha hai pura gaon
Par yeh muh
cash se bhar ke bhaage hai
Chowkidaar bhai
jaldi aao
Har ped ko kehta
hai aag lagao
Khud kissi
shaaka mein ja baitha hai
Main phir
chillai ‘bhagao bhagao’
Paanch saal
se chupa rakhi hai meri cow
Ab uski rakhsha
kaise karte hai?
Chowkidaar
bhai jaldi aao
Dekha toh
chowkidaar hi duba raha tha nao
Pagdi badal
badal ke sabko topi pehnai hai
Main phir
chillai ‘bhagao bhagao’
Chowkidaar bhai
ab chale hi jao
Hello Rubina!
ReplyDeleteThis is very funny! Good one!
You've followed the form as well, everything's working fine, but a suggestion: I felt that this poem is not that poetic, I mean something is missing. I am not saying that it's not poetic or less poetic cause it's an easy read, in fact, your city poem was easy to read too, but that one had what is missing here, something is need for the poem to work swimmingly. सब ठीक है, पर मज़ा नहीं आया, आप समझ रही हैं न? Now, what you could do about it: perhaps introducing a fixed rhythm would do, which will also constrain and compel you to look for titer, crispier, and punchy expressions. I know that you're working with very strict form, and although poem sounds funny yet you don't intend the poem to be a humorist piece entirely, yet I am sharing with you a couple of funny poems, listen to them, and you'll realize what I am trying to lead you to--
Dr. Ejaz 'Popular' Merathi-- Chalo Dildar Chalo Chand Ke Par Chalo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yYLjKIozV4
Dr. Sunil Jogi-- Mushkil Hai Apna Mel Priye Ye Pyar Nahin Hain Khel Priye: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkP1w63EOWc
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!