ग़ज़लनुमा Villanelle: Yatish
यादों को तुम्हारी सीने से लगाया था
खंजर की तरह आर-पार चली आती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी ज़माने से छुपाया था
जाने कैसे मेरे चेहरे पे उभर आती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी सीने से लगाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी फूलों से सजाया था
सूखकर अड़ियल ठूँठ-सी रह जाती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी अश्क़ों में बहाया था
उमड़-घुमड़ ये फिर से बरस जाती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी सीने से लगाया था
यादों का तुम्हारी मैंने इत्र लगाया था
खुशबू जिसकी मेरे दिल को रुलाती है
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी दिल मे बसाया था
ये भी क्यूँ मुझे छोड़ कर चली जाती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी सीने से लगाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
खंजर की तरह आर-पार चली आती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी ज़माने से छुपाया था
जाने कैसे मेरे चेहरे पे उभर आती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी सीने से लगाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी फूलों से सजाया था
सूखकर अड़ियल ठूँठ-सी रह जाती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी अश्क़ों में बहाया था
उमड़-घुमड़ ये फिर से बरस जाती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी सीने से लगाया था
यादों का तुम्हारी मैंने इत्र लगाया था
खुशबू जिसकी मेरे दिल को रुलाती है
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी दिल मे बसाया था
ये भी क्यूँ मुझे छोड़ कर चली जाती हैं
यादों को तुम्हारी सीने से लगाया था
यादों को तुम्हारी मैंने अपना बनाया था
Hello Yatish!
ReplyDeleteDon't know how you took the villanelle form as--what I can see is that you've worked with the obsession 'तुम्हारी यादें', yet you've merely produced variations of the the obsession, at that level fine as each tercet is saying a complete thought in itself (Gulzar has experimented with the sher to come with a tercet-structured individual standing compositions which he calls 'Triveni' 'तृवेणी'), however you could have done better in your working with the form, in the sense that you couldn't weave a theme which could foregrounded the piece as a 'villannele': have to also keep in mind that it's neither a Sher nor a Triveni, but a Villanelle. (I am saying this with the curiosity as to how you conceived the piece vis-a-vis the Villanelle form beyond the obsessional trope), however, I am also aware how hard it would have been for you to work with the form, and merely to work the form in itself a difficult task.
Next about the form: as per my knowledge on Villanelle forms is concerned (especially with regard to English practice of it), poets have experimented with the form a lot. However, when I look at the general rules of the form and my reading of Dylan Thomas's 'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night', and Sylvia Plath's 'Love Song Of A Mad Girl', what I get following points:
One, five tercets and a quatrain= 19 lines, yours don't have the quatrain
Two, there should be two refrains, first one with the 1st/3rd tercet: you've used a single refrain as a combination of both rhyming words and refrain
Three, The first line of every tercet following the opening tercet uses the rhyming word: cause you did the above thing (2nd point), hence you couldn't have followed this point
4, finally, English Villanelles usually follow the pentameter, which means a strict meter: I did caution and advise you to learn the meter commenting on your Ghazal. Here, you've more or less followed a meter, but particularly stressing on this aspect again specially, cause you've got great poetic potential, please learn to use the meter precisely as quickly as possible and on high priority--do not stop writing meanwhile by all means, cause the first and the foremost thing is to write.
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!
Hello Yatish!
ReplyDeleteSorry, missed the important information in your title which answers my query: 'ग़ज़लनुमा विलेनेल'. However, I'll still maintain what I said with regard to the foreground of the form (picking on your working of it as sher-like structure, in fact Triveni as a tercet)
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!
Sorry Yatish, one correction with the form: 2nd line of each tercet should have the rhyming word, while the variations of the refrain which you've used (as I've pointed out) have to come in the first line of every tercet following the opening tercet.
ReplyDeleteCheers!
Jesus Loves You!
Hello Yatish!
ReplyDeleteHave read you piece once again.
First of all, a correction: yes, indeed you've written 19 lines, don't know why my screen reader read only 16 of them to me, and I am apologize for this.
Secondly, in earlier comments, I talked about the the combination of refrain/rhyming words you've used in the villanelle (just as done by Kanika), hence the refrain remains 'था', I thought that was quite wonderful.
Moreover, I stay with the rest of my points I made earlier.
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!