Ghazal - Sukh Mehak Kaur
Thinking about making art, are you?
Making it with all your heart, are you?
Click a photograph, raise the contrast
trying to make some intense art, are you?
Sitting among the culturally privileged, who recite Derrida ,
at every phrase. You’re afraid to even start, are you?
You think and think, trying to solve the riddle
of your existence, therefore Descartes, are you?
Your tongue savours all the available flavours
but trying to find, that very bitter tart, are you?
An ode to the smell, an ode my self
Thinking of winning this war with a joke and a Fart, are you?
Hi Sukh Mehak!
ReplyDeleteWords like "fart" and "Descartes" for your Qafiya come as such a fresh air in your ghazal, they're rather unexpected choices and create this sense of excitement!
The third couplet is a lot longer in terms of the number of syllables in each of the two lines, and that breaks the overarching rhythm of the ghazal, considering that the rest of the couplets are fairly uniform, so you might want to look into that.
Ps. I quite liked how the last coupled lightened the atmosphere of the ghazal and made me actually re-read the entire piece!
Thanks for sharing!
I can see the use of your everyday personal experience as a visual artist in the poem. Your self expression stands boldly.
ReplyDeleteHello Sukh Mehak!
ReplyDeleteThis is spectacular stuff! Fantastic! ये अपने ही तरह के शेर हैं! Complex in terms of ideas, how the language has used, the way you've deployed images and spectacles: just amazing! "are you?": what a refrain, this is doing wonders in this Ghazal! क्या बात है!
I am in accord with Kanika's observations.
Moreover (on Kanika's second observation): apart from the longish line, there are irregularities in syllables in lines-- the average syllabic count of this Ghazal to my mind should be 9-10, you've taken too much liberty (I am specially making this point cause I feel you can bring your lines down to a unified meter, as in this piece you've shown it yourself)
As I said: Fantastic work! Congratulations!
आप को पढ़ के जौन एलिया की एक ग़ज़ल याद आ गई, देखिए--
उम्र गुज़रेगी इम्तिहान में क्या
दाग़ ही देंगे मुझ को दान में क्या
मेरी हर बात बे-असर ही रही
नक्स है कुछ मेरे बयान में क्या
बोलते क्यूँ नहीं मेरे हक में
आबले पड़ गए ज़बान में क्या
मुझ को तो कोई टोकता भी नहीं
यही होता है ख़ानदान में क्या
ख़ुद को जाना जुदा ज़माने से
आ गया था मेरे गुमान में क्या
अपनी महरूमियाँ छिपाते हैं
हम ग़रीबों की आन-बान में क्या
वो मिले तो ये पूछना है मुझे
अब भी हूं मैं तेरी अमान में क्या
यूँ जो तकता है आसमान को तू
कोई रहता है आसमान में क्या
है नसीम-ए-बहार गर्द-आलूद
ख़ाक उड़ती है उस मकान में क्या
ये मुझे चैन क्यूँ नहीं पड़ता
एक ही शख़्स था जहान में क्या
~~जौन एलिया
Word meanings--
उम्र= age, life, span of life
गुज़र= Admission, A Pass, A Living, A Road; गुज़ार= pass
इम्तिहान= test
दाग़= spot, blemish, stigma, grief, scar, freckle
दान= gift, present, offering, alms, charity
असर= influence, Effect, Sign, Impression; बे-असर= without effect, inefficacious
नक्स= defect, diminution, blemish, flaw
बयान= statement, declaration, description, assertion, narration
हक़/हक़= God, truth, favour (connotative)
आबला= blister
ज़बान/ज़ुबान= dialect, speech, language, tongue
टोकना= to question, interrogate, accost, check, prevent
ख़ानदान= family, lineage, dynasty, race
ख़ुद= self, Oneself, existence (connotative)
जान= life, soul, sweetheart, vigour, know, understand, trust, believe; जाना= go, pass, reach, thought/perceived/believed/considered/conceived
जुदा= unique/peculiar, separate
गुमान= doubt, suspicion, distrust
जुदा= world, era
महरूम= deprived of, debarred, excluded, refused; महरूमी= bereft, devoid of
ग़रीब= indigent/pauper/poor/needy, misfortunate, foreigner/stranger
ान= moment, dignity, mode, manner; बान= Signifying Keeper Or Guardian (दरबान); आन-बान= majesty, dignity, honour
अमान= immunity, protection, security
तकना= to stare/gaze
नसीम= gentle breeze/ zephyr; बहार= spring, bloom; नसीम-ए-बहार= breeze of spring
गर्द= dust, trifle; आलूद= polluted; गर्द-आलूद= dusty
ख़ाक= dust, ashes, worthless, No use
चैन= Comfort, Ease, Happiness, Peace
शख़्स= person/ individual
जहान= world, universe, earth
Poet's recitation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGhFBwj6rc0
Cheers!
Jesus Loves You!
The use of English literature subjects in your lines made me liked your poem but still had to read it more than twice to understand the ghazal structure present.
ReplyDeleteInteresting take on ghazal! "Sitting among the culturally privileged, who recite Derrida ,
ReplyDeleteat every phrase. You’re afraid to even start, are you?" I can relate to this line very much! The story of the wandering artist trying to chew on several things so she can then produce something relevant and meaningful is expressed with such straight-forwardness. The last couplet was my favourite. It's humourous, and thought provoking. If you can share, I'm curious to know how those lines came to you?