Respond poem 1: based on ' bell telephone hours'
(precisely responding to " has anyone heard from you lately" & " call long distance...")
That phone call
That ringing on the corner table
Which no more rang after our last conversation.
Now it's been ages
That the phone never got picked up
And since that day
We lost our path.
It's been a long gap
Which I still remember its start.
That shivering voice behind the call
Do you know, how it felt on the other side?
Today it seems I am hearing those shivering again.
One phone call
Even today I wait that to ring.
What if that same voice could be heard!
If that name reflects on the screen?
Not sure how many times did the phone ring earlier.
Unending conversations
And of course the limitations with balances
And charge.
You don't know how much it meant those to me.
My phone was full with these necessities.
Today I am not bothered
Whether it is full or dead
Because there is no more of your sign
And also not even mine.
Today there are no connections
From both the sides.
Networks got detached 'on air'
Got lost and saved with some
Other pin code numbers.
All those talks got settled in some foreign land.
That phone call
That ringing on the corner table
Which no more rang after our last conversation.
Now it's been ages
That the phone never got picked up
And since that day
We lost our path.
It's been a long gap
Which I still remember its start.
That shivering voice behind the call
Do you know, how it felt on the other side?
Today it seems I am hearing those shivering again.
One phone call
Even today I wait that to ring.
What if that same voice could be heard!
If that name reflects on the screen?
Not sure how many times did the phone ring earlier.
Unending conversations
And of course the limitations with balances
And charge.
You don't know how much it meant those to me.
My phone was full with these necessities.
Today I am not bothered
Whether it is full or dead
Because there is no more of your sign
And also not even mine.
Today there are no connections
From both the sides.
Networks got detached 'on air'
Got lost and saved with some
Other pin code numbers.
All those talks got settled in some foreign land.
Hi Dhiman,
ReplyDeleteI can see a clear link between the poems you chose to respond to and the one you've written here. The thought is interesting but I somehow feel the line breaks are a bit jarring (maybe like a weak phone signal :D). I'm not sure if that was your intent but maybe some more time on the structure and grammar might make this stronger.
Hello Rubina! First of all I'm glad that you liked the poem and thanks for your feedback. Well, the line breaks are okay why because the way I have constructed the scenes happening and forming the story I do not feel if it is broken then it will be more connected, cause already I have put a continuity in this and moreover in this poems we do not need a proper breaking pattern. Plus as you have seen the spoken style I have composed i.e. the commas/ full stops etc. And I hope you could understand the structure well then But still, I shall keep your suggestions on my mind and see it again.
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